' A jack of all trades ...' thats what they used to call me... but as the saying goes..i also happened to be the Master of none.
Be it singing, dancing, writing poems, short stories, sketching, painting, photography, one month of playing the guitar, another month the piano, collecting stuff... i ve tried it all... not to mention the fact that my interest in these activities would grow most often as the examinations grew near...
' you can do them after the exams are over!!! my mom would scream ' of to your books now!!
' its not important to try everything and then leave them!!' she would say.. 'but to try your best in one field and excel!'
so what if i was not a master... i had the confidence that i could do anything, if i wanted to... not coz i was good at it.. but because it was an adventure each time i tried... '
but that was a long time ago...
now, i'm just a lost wanderer with a medical degree with apparently no time for anything else but to obssess over my future...something u or i have no freakin control over. what post grad am i going to do ?.. where am i going to do it..? how soon am i going to buy a home or atleast a car? when will my parents take a sigh of relief..? i left all my adventures behind to answer these questions .or else i would feel so guilty. coz thats whats more important isnt it... or is it...?
when my mom urged me to join singing classes or dancing classes during my medical internship, i laughed saying ' i have no time for that'!!
sigh....!!dancing... !!
when i remember the days on stage, clad in heavy make up , bright lights adorning the face , with smile so huge u can see all 32 teeth, hands and feet navigating around in rythmic fashion.. i remember what it feels like to be free...
whether it is the strict posture maintenance required in bharathnatyam, the graceful swaying in kutchipudi or strong footwork required in kathak, the feeling of ecstasy that surrounds your soul transends the aching that every small muscle in your body would be suffering...no inhibitions , no fear of looking foolish, because u r there just to dance. to lose yourself in the story and glory of it all.....
the perfect part comes ,when the freshness you would feel after an hour of dancing is like a pathway that opens in your mind, allowing every book that u study flow in like a beautiful river of fresh water. (not to ignore the fact that i scored better in exams during my dancing years!!!)
how many times have you heard a foot tapping song while you were in a crowded area and wanted to just stretch your hands , wave your hips and lose yourself in the beats.... how many parties have you stood at the corner clapping your hands pretending to be shy when all u wanted to do was the exact opposite.
dance may seem difficult, tiring, stupid or even a waste of time ...but try it, when u can ...cause it can set you free....
well... am i going to stop with the indian cultural forms?... two weeks ago i saw an advertisement in the paper for latin dancing... would i risk ' wasting' my time taking these classes? the salsa, mambo, merengue, ball room dancing ... when i see the pussycat dolls swaying away with their slender long legs (well thats something i reeeeally need to work on ;-)) it makes me wonder... can i pull it off? or should i rather be using my time preparing for a future i have no idea about... we'll just have to live life and see, dont we...?
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
my first successful intubation....a lesson well learnt.
"Dont be afraid Doctor Archana ... endotracheal intubation is not difficult. its not the muscle strength but the technique that matters. once you master the technique...you'll be an intubation expert!!" thats what came from my senior doctor after i had struggled through my 15th unsuccessful intubation. he had to intubate the patient instead of me coz i was 'taking too much time' as described by the frustrated nursing staff .
intubating a gasping patient just followed by effective CPR is an art i have always wanted to master from the first day i started medical school. How many ever other procedures you may have performed on a patient, i always new that performing this procedure will leave you completly satisfied that you have actually saved a patients life that day. you have brought him back from the doorway of death. thats what completes a doctor... and thats what would complete my purpose...
but somehow i never seemed to get a hang of this timely act. an arresting patient when brought inside the icu, almost always can be saved if intubated at the right moment.....and then there are the 'DNR' patients of course..
the word DNR means 'do not resuscitate', which in certain institutions, is a desicion made either by the patient themself ,if in sane mind , or by the patients relatives. but in certain instituions where there is almost always a shortage of beds due to the heavy influx of patients everyday ,this term is an unspoken code used for those patients who, if put on ' the machine' to be kept pumping would only cause a lot of physical, mental and emotional stress to the relatives and the doctors themselves. such patients can be kept alive only mechanically. the machines breathes in and out for them and and thus the heart is forced to pump blood. this only goes on until the heart tires out. this is what is called brain death, as the patients brain must have stopped working a long time ago.
and as the saying goes; ' a doctor should be able to tell the patients relatives that they did everything they could to save him or her' and so thats what they do ; ..everything. but sometimes trying to save someone who can definitely not be saved is a waste of hands when some one in some other part of the hospital who can be saved needs to be resucitated right away.
it is these DNR patients that we young doctors are allowed to intubate at first, as this art needs to be mastered when required at the right moment.
i am one of those young doctors , who has tried intubating many gasping patients desperate to get it right each time but has never been able to take it till the end as i lacked the stamina as i thought it to be. my senior doctor would always have to finish it for me.
' Not again!!!' i thought, as i was walking away from my 15th attempt.
" You have one more intubation you can try ' said my senior with a ray of hope. "Its the patient on bed number 2. She has been pulling on for a long time but she looks a bit bad today. Unfortunately there is no point in bringing her back as she will not be able to survive the night anyway." she said apologetically. "so there is no urgency. but it is important that you learn soon as you have many more lives to save."
i moved towards bed number 2. a woman in her late 60s, her hands and legs tied up to the sides of the bed so that she doesnt disturb the infinite array of tubes attached to her body.
not a pleasant site to see. i flinched as i looked onto her face. she probably would have been a pretty face during her healthy days but now all i could see were the remains of a worn out face battered by disease and misfortune. i gazed into her charts ; chronic kidney disease stage 5 , ischemic heart disease, hypertension, diabetes.
her heart rate was decreasing by the minute.i was instructed to try intubating after her loved ones had a chance to say good bye. i quietly walked outside the ICU rehearsing in my mind what i would say to her relatives. ' i believe you have already been explained about the seriousness of her illness. i am sorry to say her condition is getting worse .........' i have done this a number of times , passing of bad news to loved ones. i have seen different reactions; sudden outbursts of grief, some fall at your feet begging you to save their life somehow, some silently listen and take in the information you have just given them.
this time , her son listened to what i had to say, his eyes gettingg wet and quietly walked of. he came back with his family. a young lady similar to the son probably her daughter, an old man himself in his 60s and an old lady around the same age as well. i noticed that each one silently walked to her, one at a time. after whispering a soft prayer into her ears they stroked her hair slowly,and then her feet. as each walked out i saw the glistening of tears down their cheeks.
it was my turn. i had requested the nurse to place the intubation tray next to the bed so i could start my little lesson. i saw her heart rate drop down to a minimum. i saw her taking slow, shallow but peaceful breaths. i put on my gloves and touched her forehead. she moved a little. but this time i saw her face for the beauty she really was. i saw the hearts she had touched. the love she would be leaving behind. 'please be at ease' i whispered into her ear. i didnt want to cause her anymore discomfort than she already was in.
i slid the scope into her mouth and into her throat when she slowly flinched. her eyebrows drew closer to show her discomfort. as i held the scope a little higher i visualized the epiglottis and vocal cords.i pushed the tube in with comfort and checked the entry of air after connecting it to the ambu bag. i was in. i had done it at last... i had intubated a patient. i kept pushing the ambu bag to keep her chest moving in and out as i saw the reading on the ecg monitor reduce into a straight line.
as i walked out of the ICU that day i felt myself fighting back tears. as she left this world ,she made me feel like a complete doctor. she helped me learn so that i could help save many more lives. as i walked past soft weeping sounds at a distance, i heard the shreaks of a relieved mother falling at her doctors feet because his timely action saved her sons life...
intubating a gasping patient just followed by effective CPR is an art i have always wanted to master from the first day i started medical school. How many ever other procedures you may have performed on a patient, i always new that performing this procedure will leave you completly satisfied that you have actually saved a patients life that day. you have brought him back from the doorway of death. thats what completes a doctor... and thats what would complete my purpose...
but somehow i never seemed to get a hang of this timely act. an arresting patient when brought inside the icu, almost always can be saved if intubated at the right moment.....and then there are the 'DNR' patients of course..
the word DNR means 'do not resuscitate', which in certain institutions, is a desicion made either by the patient themself ,if in sane mind , or by the patients relatives. but in certain instituions where there is almost always a shortage of beds due to the heavy influx of patients everyday ,this term is an unspoken code used for those patients who, if put on ' the machine' to be kept pumping would only cause a lot of physical, mental and emotional stress to the relatives and the doctors themselves. such patients can be kept alive only mechanically. the machines breathes in and out for them and and thus the heart is forced to pump blood. this only goes on until the heart tires out. this is what is called brain death, as the patients brain must have stopped working a long time ago.
and as the saying goes; ' a doctor should be able to tell the patients relatives that they did everything they could to save him or her' and so thats what they do ; ..everything. but sometimes trying to save someone who can definitely not be saved is a waste of hands when some one in some other part of the hospital who can be saved needs to be resucitated right away.
it is these DNR patients that we young doctors are allowed to intubate at first, as this art needs to be mastered when required at the right moment.
i am one of those young doctors , who has tried intubating many gasping patients desperate to get it right each time but has never been able to take it till the end as i lacked the stamina as i thought it to be. my senior doctor would always have to finish it for me.
' Not again!!!' i thought, as i was walking away from my 15th attempt.
" You have one more intubation you can try ' said my senior with a ray of hope. "Its the patient on bed number 2. She has been pulling on for a long time but she looks a bit bad today. Unfortunately there is no point in bringing her back as she will not be able to survive the night anyway." she said apologetically. "so there is no urgency. but it is important that you learn soon as you have many more lives to save."
i moved towards bed number 2. a woman in her late 60s, her hands and legs tied up to the sides of the bed so that she doesnt disturb the infinite array of tubes attached to her body.
not a pleasant site to see. i flinched as i looked onto her face. she probably would have been a pretty face during her healthy days but now all i could see were the remains of a worn out face battered by disease and misfortune. i gazed into her charts ; chronic kidney disease stage 5 , ischemic heart disease, hypertension, diabetes.
her heart rate was decreasing by the minute.i was instructed to try intubating after her loved ones had a chance to say good bye. i quietly walked outside the ICU rehearsing in my mind what i would say to her relatives. ' i believe you have already been explained about the seriousness of her illness. i am sorry to say her condition is getting worse .........' i have done this a number of times , passing of bad news to loved ones. i have seen different reactions; sudden outbursts of grief, some fall at your feet begging you to save their life somehow, some silently listen and take in the information you have just given them.
this time , her son listened to what i had to say, his eyes gettingg wet and quietly walked of. he came back with his family. a young lady similar to the son probably her daughter, an old man himself in his 60s and an old lady around the same age as well. i noticed that each one silently walked to her, one at a time. after whispering a soft prayer into her ears they stroked her hair slowly,and then her feet. as each walked out i saw the glistening of tears down their cheeks.
it was my turn. i had requested the nurse to place the intubation tray next to the bed so i could start my little lesson. i saw her heart rate drop down to a minimum. i saw her taking slow, shallow but peaceful breaths. i put on my gloves and touched her forehead. she moved a little. but this time i saw her face for the beauty she really was. i saw the hearts she had touched. the love she would be leaving behind. 'please be at ease' i whispered into her ear. i didnt want to cause her anymore discomfort than she already was in.
i slid the scope into her mouth and into her throat when she slowly flinched. her eyebrows drew closer to show her discomfort. as i held the scope a little higher i visualized the epiglottis and vocal cords.i pushed the tube in with comfort and checked the entry of air after connecting it to the ambu bag. i was in. i had done it at last... i had intubated a patient. i kept pushing the ambu bag to keep her chest moving in and out as i saw the reading on the ecg monitor reduce into a straight line.
as i walked out of the ICU that day i felt myself fighting back tears. as she left this world ,she made me feel like a complete doctor. she helped me learn so that i could help save many more lives. as i walked past soft weeping sounds at a distance, i heard the shreaks of a relieved mother falling at her doctors feet because his timely action saved her sons life...
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Romantic comedies ...and Me
"hi there...."
"hello..."
"what do you do to pass your time?"
"singing, writing, reading...but mostly watchin movies....!"
"so, what movies do you watch?"
"hmmmmmmm.. mystery, thrillers................ " O what the HECK !! its only romantic comedies and romantic comedies alone!!!......
There used to be a time when i used to enjoy laughing my heads out watchin an occasional slapstick comedy, or a sci fi thriller here and an animation movie there.... now my interest in watching these genres have been phased out and is being governed by one main genre and thats 'Romantic comedies'!!
whats there to watch in these movies you would ask? its absolutely the same story round and round.....!!!!
first, it starts of with a workaholic, lonely protagonist which is either the hero or the heroine who is absolutely comfortable with what life has to offer, having no idea what they r missing untill the other one enters the scene. this person is usually the more carefree bubbly one... first, they fight ..then he or she makes the workaholic realize that the real happiness is in wearing shabby clothes to work, dancing on tables at bars, breaking traffic rules and getting arrested.......
and of course theres the first kiss.....or an accidental one night stand...
then there comes a moment of truth where the workaholic has done something to screw the relationship, and the bubbly one gets 'hurt'and leaves...
then comes the perfect monologue.... the one paragraph that makes whatever crap this person did to create havoc would all just disappear away and let the other one come running into his arms
the end would be the make up kiss ofcourse....
well.... but you should understand the beauty of these movies.... they are just windows that help every persons deepest dreams to have a breath of fresh air.
well.... in real life you woul nt expect to hear violins or Switchfoot playing 'dare you to move' faraway in the background when the boy you have been crushing on all summer was just about to kiss you....would you....
right from the start, when the wind blows the hair off her face , the way he would be in a complete trance , awe-stuck by her beauty; the hours they would spend talking to each other like nothing else existed; the momentary second when the whole world has stopped because their hands touched for the first time.
when he describes in a long five minute dumbfounding voice, the way she makes him feel..... and to add more pain to our tortured souls they would add perfect music in the background that would push us past the cliff....
we experience our very own love story every day...
i absolutley disagree when they say that romanic comedies ruin relationships or prevent single people from finding a good partner....
oh yes occasionally when a lively bubbly jane thinks a silent mysterious guy is interested in her because he likes the way she is so carefree , what hes really thinking in his head is that she is childish and dangerous and he has to get away from her!! or when sad and depressed little Emma sits on a park bench everyday waiting there hoping for a prince charming in a suit to talk away her troubles, she is just busy getting even more sad and depressed.
when nervous Sharon tries to act confident and aloof hoping to catch the attention of her boss, he is busy pulling her down cause he feels intimidated by her...
i absolutley would never agree if you told me that these movies are the reason that many husbands sleep on the couch every night because either he hadn't used charming, breathtaking words to describe how beautiful she looked that day or he had just picked lines right out of the movie she had forced him to watch ,two days ago because he couldnt make something up on his own...
we all know these things would never exist in reality.... and thats why i watch them in this magical world... where everything is perfect... she gets him.. and they live hapiily ever after
well if you asked me if building these unrealistic fantasies was the reason i first look at the eyes of every propective match i meet...i will look the other way and still say no.....
and the occasional one that claims to show reality... where the loved ones dont get together..... well.... you wont find me watching that movie anytime soon.....
the Romantic movie buff...
P.S. Recommended watches: A walk to remember
Before sunrise....
"hello..."
"what do you do to pass your time?"
"singing, writing, reading...but mostly watchin movies....!"
"so, what movies do you watch?"
"hmmmmmmm.. mystery, thrillers................ " O what the HECK !! its only romantic comedies and romantic comedies alone!!!......
There used to be a time when i used to enjoy laughing my heads out watchin an occasional slapstick comedy, or a sci fi thriller here and an animation movie there.... now my interest in watching these genres have been phased out and is being governed by one main genre and thats 'Romantic comedies'!!
whats there to watch in these movies you would ask? its absolutely the same story round and round.....!!!!
first, it starts of with a workaholic, lonely protagonist which is either the hero or the heroine who is absolutely comfortable with what life has to offer, having no idea what they r missing untill the other one enters the scene. this person is usually the more carefree bubbly one... first, they fight ..then he or she makes the workaholic realize that the real happiness is in wearing shabby clothes to work, dancing on tables at bars, breaking traffic rules and getting arrested.......
and of course theres the first kiss.....or an accidental one night stand...
then there comes a moment of truth where the workaholic has done something to screw the relationship, and the bubbly one gets 'hurt'and leaves...
then comes the perfect monologue.... the one paragraph that makes whatever crap this person did to create havoc would all just disappear away and let the other one come running into his arms
the end would be the make up kiss ofcourse....
well.... but you should understand the beauty of these movies.... they are just windows that help every persons deepest dreams to have a breath of fresh air.
well.... in real life you woul nt expect to hear violins or Switchfoot playing 'dare you to move' faraway in the background when the boy you have been crushing on all summer was just about to kiss you....would you....
right from the start, when the wind blows the hair off her face , the way he would be in a complete trance , awe-stuck by her beauty; the hours they would spend talking to each other like nothing else existed; the momentary second when the whole world has stopped because their hands touched for the first time.
when he describes in a long five minute dumbfounding voice, the way she makes him feel..... and to add more pain to our tortured souls they would add perfect music in the background that would push us past the cliff....
we experience our very own love story every day...
i absolutley disagree when they say that romanic comedies ruin relationships or prevent single people from finding a good partner....
oh yes occasionally when a lively bubbly jane thinks a silent mysterious guy is interested in her because he likes the way she is so carefree , what hes really thinking in his head is that she is childish and dangerous and he has to get away from her!! or when sad and depressed little Emma sits on a park bench everyday waiting there hoping for a prince charming in a suit to talk away her troubles, she is just busy getting even more sad and depressed.
when nervous Sharon tries to act confident and aloof hoping to catch the attention of her boss, he is busy pulling her down cause he feels intimidated by her...
i absolutley would never agree if you told me that these movies are the reason that many husbands sleep on the couch every night because either he hadn't used charming, breathtaking words to describe how beautiful she looked that day or he had just picked lines right out of the movie she had forced him to watch ,two days ago because he couldnt make something up on his own...
we all know these things would never exist in reality.... and thats why i watch them in this magical world... where everything is perfect... she gets him.. and they live hapiily ever after
well if you asked me if building these unrealistic fantasies was the reason i first look at the eyes of every propective match i meet...i will look the other way and still say no.....
and the occasional one that claims to show reality... where the loved ones dont get together..... well.... you wont find me watching that movie anytime soon.....
the Romantic movie buff...
P.S. Recommended watches: A walk to remember
Before sunrise....
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
the 5 minute walk.... everyday
How would it feel like if you talked about the last time you stopped and look back at a simple thing that you used to do every single day…. Something so simple as just walking from kahovskaya metro station to your hostel on a snowy day… the 5 minute walk…..
How ever bad your day was at college or how much laundry you had waiting for you back at your room… this short, straight pavement would bring the whole world to a stand still. While you walk into the cold night from the underground, your face feels so chilled and yet feels the warmth from the muffler clinging to your neck so tightly. Your gloved hands cozily tucked away into your pocket , you take baby steps with your jittery legs clad in comfortable jeans, to avoid slipping on the frozen ice. There is complete silence everywhere; broken only by your shoes breaking the frozen ice underneath and the soft sound of snowflakes touching the ground. The momentary chills that run down your spine when you see two hulky figures at a distance , for fear you may be beaten up or stolen from….but as the figures grow closer, you see the baby blue eyes , pinked up cheeks of smiling preoccupied teenagers exchanging amusing information you never understand… The reflections on the snow glitter like diamonds that feels like your very own Christmas everyday.. every deep breath that sent down a cool wind down your throat that played as music in your ears…you walked to reach your hostel… everyday
How would it feel like if I talked about something I used to do three years ago , today… as I walk on the side of the road dodging every cycle that comes my way… trying to concentrate on the road so that I don’t trip on any bump or depression while the cars and autos scream their way through the traffic. As I cloth my face and seal it with a helmet for fear the wind may touch my face and scar it , as I swing my way thru the crazy traffic myself … everyday…
Does the past always seem so beautiful to you…? Coz I never felt this magical about my past when I was in it… but sometimes…your journeys also feel the way you feel about the place where it ends…
My hostel…. Each room had a story.. a few happy parts , a bunch of sad parts…but everyone had a story to share, to hold your hand … to face your stories together. As I walked through the road to face an easy day or hard.. I always felt the same way…. God this should never end……!
It did … but I close my eyes and I can still hear the music in my ears, feel the snow touch my nose , the weight of the kvartal bags on my fingers, the pain in my head from giggling so hard with my friends…. Then a auto rushes past me , the driver screaming his lungs out.. ’hey!!! Watch where your goin!!!’ and I return back to today…. And walk on… everyday….
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